Feb. 17

I have stopped drinking the milk that Amanda brings me every day. I am certain that it is poisoned. Why else would I be getting weaker? 
I can't stand seeing the way she is with Jonathan The way she brushes against him as she leaves the room when she enters. The sly glances they exchange, as if I am blind! 
She has the gall, to confined in me that she is 'in love' with an older man, and as soon as they can she plans to run off with him! It is so hard to control my rage, and feign as if I haven't a clue that it is Jonathan she speaks of. Does she really believe, that I can be done away with so easily? My mind is made up. I shall confront her, and demand that she leave here.


It was truly horrible. I finally screwed up my courage, and demanded to know if Amanda had been with Jonathan She pled innocence quite well, even claimed that her lover was not him but our old hand, Zeke. I nearly laughed out loud. How stupid does she think me? We began to argue and didn't hear Jonathan come up the stairs. He demanded to know what we were fighting about. He asked if I had gone mad? Everyone was talking all at once. They both lied SO well. I lost my temper and slapped Amanda calling her a bitch and whore, demanding that she leave here at once. Jonathan pulled me off her and I hit him too. This led to his slapping me and telling me to calm down. Amanda sat on the floor crying with her blouse torn. I was shocked that I was capable of such violence. Shocked also that my gentle Jonathan, who has never even raised his voice to me before, had struck me. 
I lay on the bed as he led her out of the room. Then I crept to the door and listened. I could just barely hear him speaking to her. Saying that this may be for the best, for her to leave. She protested, weakly.
Jonathan came back to the room and told me, he would be driving her back to town in the morning.


I watched Amanda saying goodbye to Zeke this morning from the window.
He didn't seem very happy about her going. I know they spoke often in the kitchen during the mid-day meal. I wish I could believe it was him she loved...
I am not sorry to see her go.


Jonathan still has not returned from town. He should have been back by now.

Feb. 21

Still no Jonathan nor word from him. Daily, I prepare a meal for us and wait for his return. I have asked Zeke to go into town and see what he can learn.


Zeke says, they never made it to town. Young Amanda's body was found floating in the river, her skull smashed in. Dear God, where is Jonathan?
We've reported him as missing. He would not leave me without a farewell. 

Feb. 28

Time passes so slowly. The police believe Jonathan, has simply left. Rumors from town, have it that Amanda was killed by a jealous lover. The story goes, that she was carrying on with two men, and it resulted in her death. I know the police have spoken with Zeke about his 'relations' with her.
I doubt that he had anything to do with her death, or Jonathan's missing. How dare they suspect Jonathan?

March 4?

Time has no meaning. Often I think I see Jonathan off in the fields, or hear him coming up the stairs. I try to believe he'll be home any moment, with an explanation of what really happened. 
I continue to set his place at the table. Proof for him that my love never waned.
Or that I put any stock in these wild stories. It is ludicrous to think, that he learned she was not true to him and murdered her. No! It just couldn't be.

March 7

We buried my sweet Jonathan today. Zeke had found his remains out in the field, and reported it.The police entered my home on the 6th. I had just finished setting the table and putting out the side dishes. All that remained was to serve up the roast, that Zeke had so thoughtfully placed in the oven for me earlier. 
The police insist that it was Jonathan's head... how could that be? It was a roast, I basted it myself. 
They made me come in for questioning. Zeke too. Over and over I had to tell them I didn't know how the head got there. Of course they blame Zeke.
I had to tell them about Amanda's admittance to me, about them having an affair didn't I? Obviously he had seen them leaving here, and flew into a jealous rage, wrongly assuming that my Jonathan would have anything to do with that trollop. 

"That's the last entry." I closed the book. Lori and I stared at each other . 

"It doesn't make sense," Lori said. "She thought they were having an affair then says they weren't?"

"Well, she was unstable to start with having miscarried. Maybe, she just couldn't accept that he was cheating on her at the end. Convinced herself she'd been wrong all along. Or... maybe ... just maybe, she wrote herself a clever alibi. Zeke was having an affair with Amanda. But what if Emily killed them both, and let him take the fall? Guess, we'll never know for sure."

The room had gone cold. Again the scent of lilacs wafted in the air. Lori and I clutched each other as a woman materialized right before our eyes. She was of slight build, and clothed in 30's style. "Don't be afraid," her voice was soft and sweet. Lori and I exchanged glances. " I have waited for a long, long time for someone to hear my confession. To perhaps understand why I did what I did. Yes, I was less than honest in my journal, but at the time I believed it to be the truth. Only later, much later long after Zeke had paid the price did I recall what I had done.

They never actually left the farm that day. Jonathon was splitting firewood, while Amanda finished getting ready to leave. She was pressing the dress she was going to wear. We exchanged heated words, and I snatched up the iron and swung it - I never meant to kill her! Jonathon hearing our arguing had run in from outside. When he saw what I had done he dropped the axe and knelt by her side. He was screaming at me, "What have you done?" The look on his face, as if I had hurt something so precious and dear to him - I grabbed the axe and swung it with all my strength. Again, and again... his head rolled . From where it stopped, I could see the roasting pan, sitting on the counter, waiting for the roast. I had to hide it, didn't I? Fetching the pan, I hurriedly grabbed up his head by the hair and dropped it in, slamming down the lid. Then I placed it in the ice box to dispose of later. I don't recall cleaning up the blood, but I remember there was a great deal of it. I don't recall dragging their bodies out to the car. Or driving out to the field and shoving Jonathon out. Or continuing on to the river and dumping Amanda into it along with the car. There's much I don't remember, except my guilt. Now perhaps I can finally rest."

Just like that she was gone.We stood there for a second, not sure whether to believe our eyes or ears. "Jan?"


"Let's get out of here. Now!"

I paused to lock the door behind us. Once we were underway, I asked Lori what she made of the whole thing. Her answer was clear and concise, "Jan, shut up and drive."

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